Expert Answers to Grief's Questions
While Pierced Forever serves families affected by pregnancy loss, infant loss, and child loss, we know grief rarely travels alone. Many parents reading this have also lost siblings, spouses, parents, grandparents, friends, or others they deeply love. These answers are written first for grieving parents, but we pray they bring comfort to anyone carrying the weight of loss.
WHAT IS GRIEF?
Grief is the natural response to losing someone you love.
It is not only sadness.
It is love reacting to absence.
When a child dies, grief can affect every part of a parent’s life: emotions, body, thoughts, sleep, memory, relationships, identity, and sense of safety.
John Bowlby’s attachment work helps explain why grief is so powerful. The deeper the bond, the deeper the pain when that bond is disrupted.
J. William Worden describes grief as a process of adapting to the reality of loss, not simply “getting over it.”
Megan Devine writes that grief is not a problem to be fixed. It is an experience to be carried with honesty, support, and care.
This matters because many parents fear that grief means something is wrong with them.
But grief is not proof that you are broken.
Grief is proof that someone precious mattered.
Your grief exists because your love exists.
And while grief may change over time, the love behind it does not have to disappear.
References:
Attachment and Loss — John Bowlby (1969)
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
It’s OK That You’re Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
It is not only sadness.
It is love reacting to absence.
When a child dies, grief can affect every part of a parent’s life: emotions, body, thoughts, sleep, memory, relationships, identity, and sense of safety.
John Bowlby’s attachment work helps explain why grief is so powerful. The deeper the bond, the deeper the pain when that bond is disrupted.
J. William Worden describes grief as a process of adapting to the reality of loss, not simply “getting over it.”
Megan Devine writes that grief is not a problem to be fixed. It is an experience to be carried with honesty, support, and care.
This matters because many parents fear that grief means something is wrong with them.
But grief is not proof that you are broken.
Grief is proof that someone precious mattered.
Your grief exists because your love exists.
And while grief may change over time, the love behind it does not have to disappear.
References:
Attachment and Loss — John Bowlby (1969)
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
It’s OK That You’re Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
WHY DO I HURT SO MUCH?
Grief hurts because love creates attachment.
The deeper the attachment, the deeper the grief.
This is one of the most consistent findings in grief counseling, psychology, and bereavement research.
When we love someone, they become part of our daily life.
Part of our thoughts.
Part of our routines.
Part of our identity.
Part of our future.
Parents are especially connected to their children.
Long before a child is born, parents begin imagining birthdays, holidays, milestones, conversations, and years together.
A child's life becomes woven into the future a parent expects to live.
When that child dies, parents are not only grieving the person they love.
They are grieving the future they expected.
The plans they imagined.
The moments they anticipated.
The life they thought would unfold.
This is why grief can feel physical.
Many grieving parents experience exhaustion, difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, anxiety, chest pain, changes in appetite, sleep disturbances, and a feeling that the world no longer makes sense.
Grief affects the whole person.
John Bowlby's attachment theory explains that when a significant bond is broken, the mind and body naturally react with distress.
This distress is not evidence that something is wrong.
It is evidence that something important is missing.
Joanne Cacciatore writes that grief is not a disorder.
It is an expression of love.
The pain is real because the relationship was real.
The hurt is deep because the attachment was deep.
The reason grief feels so overwhelming is not because you are weak.
It is because your child mattered.
References:
Attachment and Loss — John Bowlby (1969)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
The deeper the attachment, the deeper the grief.
This is one of the most consistent findings in grief counseling, psychology, and bereavement research.
When we love someone, they become part of our daily life.
Part of our thoughts.
Part of our routines.
Part of our identity.
Part of our future.
Parents are especially connected to their children.
Long before a child is born, parents begin imagining birthdays, holidays, milestones, conversations, and years together.
A child's life becomes woven into the future a parent expects to live.
When that child dies, parents are not only grieving the person they love.
They are grieving the future they expected.
The plans they imagined.
The moments they anticipated.
The life they thought would unfold.
This is why grief can feel physical.
Many grieving parents experience exhaustion, difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, anxiety, chest pain, changes in appetite, sleep disturbances, and a feeling that the world no longer makes sense.
Grief affects the whole person.
John Bowlby's attachment theory explains that when a significant bond is broken, the mind and body naturally react with distress.
This distress is not evidence that something is wrong.
It is evidence that something important is missing.
Joanne Cacciatore writes that grief is not a disorder.
It is an expression of love.
The pain is real because the relationship was real.
The hurt is deep because the attachment was deep.
The reason grief feels so overwhelming is not because you are weak.
It is because your child mattered.
References:
Attachment and Loss — John Bowlby (1969)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
IS WHAT I'M FEELING NORMAL?
One of the most common fears grieving parents have is that they are grieving incorrectly.
You may cry every day.
You may not cry at all.
You may feel overwhelmed by emotion.
You may feel completely numb.
You may want to talk about your child constantly.
You may struggle to speak their name.
You may feel sadness, anger, fear, guilt, loneliness, relief, gratitude, anxiety, or all of them in the same day.
According to grief experts, these experiences are far more common than most parents realize.
Grief is not a straight line.
It does not follow a schedule.
It does not move through predictable stages for everyone.
J. William Worden taught that grief is highly individual and that people adapt to loss in different ways.
George Bonanno's research similarly found that there is no single healthy pattern of grieving.
What often feels abnormal is actually a normal response to an abnormal event.
The death of a child is one of the most significant losses a person can experience.
Strong reactions are not evidence that something is wrong with you.
They are evidence that something important happened to you.
Most grieving parents spend at least some time wondering if they are losing their mind.
Most are not.
They are grieving.
References:
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
The Other Side of Sadness — George Bonanno (2009)
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
You may cry every day.
You may not cry at all.
You may feel overwhelmed by emotion.
You may feel completely numb.
You may want to talk about your child constantly.
You may struggle to speak their name.
You may feel sadness, anger, fear, guilt, loneliness, relief, gratitude, anxiety, or all of them in the same day.
According to grief experts, these experiences are far more common than most parents realize.
Grief is not a straight line.
It does not follow a schedule.
It does not move through predictable stages for everyone.
J. William Worden taught that grief is highly individual and that people adapt to loss in different ways.
George Bonanno's research similarly found that there is no single healthy pattern of grieving.
What often feels abnormal is actually a normal response to an abnormal event.
The death of a child is one of the most significant losses a person can experience.
Strong reactions are not evidence that something is wrong with you.
They are evidence that something important happened to you.
Most grieving parents spend at least some time wondering if they are losing their mind.
Most are not.
They are grieving.
References:
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
The Other Side of Sadness — George Bonanno (2009)
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
WHY CAN'T I STOP THINKING ABOUT MY CHILD?
Because your child mattered.
Many grieving parents become frustrated by how often their thoughts return to their child.
A photograph.
A song.
A date on the calendar.
A place you visited together.
A random moment in the middle of the day.
Almost anything can bring them back to mind.
This is not a sign that you are stuck.
It is not a sign that you are failing to heal.
Attachment theory helps explain why this happens.
John Bowlby taught that when we form deep bonds with someone, our minds and bodies become organized around that relationship.
Parents are especially attached to their children.
The relationship influences daily routines, decisions, expectations, emotions, and future plans.
When a child dies, the attachment does not immediately disappear.
The mind continues searching for someone who has been deeply important.
Many grief experts believe this is one reason thoughts of a loved one remain so frequent after loss.
Your mind is not malfunctioning.
It is responding to the absence of someone whose presence shaped your life.
Over time, these thoughts often become less overwhelming.
But many parents continue thinking about their child throughout their lives.
Not because they are trapped in grief.
Because they are parents.
References:
Attachment and Loss — John Bowlby (1969)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief — Klass, Silverman & Nickman (1996)
Many grieving parents become frustrated by how often their thoughts return to their child.
A photograph.
A song.
A date on the calendar.
A place you visited together.
A random moment in the middle of the day.
Almost anything can bring them back to mind.
This is not a sign that you are stuck.
It is not a sign that you are failing to heal.
Attachment theory helps explain why this happens.
John Bowlby taught that when we form deep bonds with someone, our minds and bodies become organized around that relationship.
Parents are especially attached to their children.
The relationship influences daily routines, decisions, expectations, emotions, and future plans.
When a child dies, the attachment does not immediately disappear.
The mind continues searching for someone who has been deeply important.
Many grief experts believe this is one reason thoughts of a loved one remain so frequent after loss.
Your mind is not malfunctioning.
It is responding to the absence of someone whose presence shaped your life.
Over time, these thoughts often become less overwhelming.
But many parents continue thinking about their child throughout their lives.
Not because they are trapped in grief.
Because they are parents.
References:
Attachment and Loss — John Bowlby (1969)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief — Klass, Silverman & Nickman (1996)
WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY?
Guilt is one of the most common experiences reported by grieving parents.
Many parents replay conversations, decisions, symptoms, appointments, routines, and moments leading up to the loss.
The mind searches for something that could have been done differently.
Something that should have been noticed.
Something that might have changed the outcome.
Joanne Cacciatore writes that guilt is often a companion of grief because love naturally looks backward.
When we love deeply, we revisit the past looking for ways we might have protected the person we lost.
The problem is that grief often gives us information we did not have at the time.
Looking backward with today's knowledge can create the illusion that the outcome should have been obvious.
Most often, it was not.
Many parents hold themselves responsible for circumstances that were beyond their control.
Others blame themselves simply because blaming themselves feels easier than accepting how powerless they truly were.
This does not mean your guilt is imaginary.
It means guilt is not always an accurate judge of responsibility.
Many grief experts encourage parents to distinguish between regret and responsibility.
Regret says, "I wish things had been different."
Responsibility says, "I caused this."
Those are not the same thing.
The fact that you feel guilty is often evidence of how deeply you cared.
It is not evidence that you failed your child.
References:
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child — Gary Roe (2017)
Many parents replay conversations, decisions, symptoms, appointments, routines, and moments leading up to the loss.
The mind searches for something that could have been done differently.
Something that should have been noticed.
Something that might have changed the outcome.
Joanne Cacciatore writes that guilt is often a companion of grief because love naturally looks backward.
When we love deeply, we revisit the past looking for ways we might have protected the person we lost.
The problem is that grief often gives us information we did not have at the time.
Looking backward with today's knowledge can create the illusion that the outcome should have been obvious.
Most often, it was not.
Many parents hold themselves responsible for circumstances that were beyond their control.
Others blame themselves simply because blaming themselves feels easier than accepting how powerless they truly were.
This does not mean your guilt is imaginary.
It means guilt is not always an accurate judge of responsibility.
Many grief experts encourage parents to distinguish between regret and responsibility.
Regret says, "I wish things had been different."
Responsibility says, "I caused this."
Those are not the same thing.
The fact that you feel guilty is often evidence of how deeply you cared.
It is not evidence that you failed your child.
References:
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child — Gary Roe (2017)
WHY AM I SO ANGRY?
Anger is one of the most common and misunderstood parts of grief.
Many parents are surprised by how intense it can feel.
You may feel angry at doctors.
At circumstances.
At other people.
At yourself.
At life.
At the unfairness of what happened.
Or you may simply feel angry without knowing exactly where to direct it.
Grief experts often describe anger as a natural response to the reality that something precious has been taken from you.
Anger can arise when love has nowhere to go.
It can arise when life no longer feels fair.
It can arise when your heart recognizes that something deeply important is missing.
Many parents worry that their anger means they are becoming bitter.
Others worry that it makes them a bad person.
Neither is necessarily true.
Anger is often grief's way of expressing the protest that love feels when confronted with loss.
It is the mind and heart saying:
"This was not supposed to happen."
The goal is not to eliminate anger.
The goal is to understand it, express it safely, and allow it to move rather than remain trapped inside.
Many grieving parents find that beneath their anger sits sadness.
And beneath that sadness sits love.
References:
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
On Death and Dying — Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1969)
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
Many parents are surprised by how intense it can feel.
You may feel angry at doctors.
At circumstances.
At other people.
At yourself.
At life.
At the unfairness of what happened.
Or you may simply feel angry without knowing exactly where to direct it.
Grief experts often describe anger as a natural response to the reality that something precious has been taken from you.
Anger can arise when love has nowhere to go.
It can arise when life no longer feels fair.
It can arise when your heart recognizes that something deeply important is missing.
Many parents worry that their anger means they are becoming bitter.
Others worry that it makes them a bad person.
Neither is necessarily true.
Anger is often grief's way of expressing the protest that love feels when confronted with loss.
It is the mind and heart saying:
"This was not supposed to happen."
The goal is not to eliminate anger.
The goal is to understand it, express it safely, and allow it to move rather than remain trapped inside.
Many grieving parents find that beneath their anger sits sadness.
And beneath that sadness sits love.
References:
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
On Death and Dying — Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1969)
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
WHY DO I FEEL NUMB?
Many grieving parents expect grief to feel like constant sadness.
Instead, they often feel nothing.
No tears.
No emotion.
No reaction.
Just emptiness.
This can be frightening.
Some parents wonder if something is wrong with them.
Others worry that numbness means they did not love their child enough.
Grief experts consistently reassure parents that numbness is a normal response to overwhelming loss.
The mind and body are designed to protect us from more pain than we can handle at one time.
When emotions become too intense, the nervous system sometimes creates distance between us and what we are feeling.
This does not mean the grief is gone.
It means your mind may be processing it in smaller pieces.
Many parents move in and out of numbness.
One day they may feel everything.
The next day they may feel almost nothing.
Neither state is more correct than the other.
Numbness is not the absence of love.
It is often the presence of protection.
Over time, most parents find that emotions gradually become easier to access and carry.
References:
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
The Other Side of Sadness — George Bonanno (2009)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
Instead, they often feel nothing.
No tears.
No emotion.
No reaction.
Just emptiness.
This can be frightening.
Some parents wonder if something is wrong with them.
Others worry that numbness means they did not love their child enough.
Grief experts consistently reassure parents that numbness is a normal response to overwhelming loss.
The mind and body are designed to protect us from more pain than we can handle at one time.
When emotions become too intense, the nervous system sometimes creates distance between us and what we are feeling.
This does not mean the grief is gone.
It means your mind may be processing it in smaller pieces.
Many parents move in and out of numbness.
One day they may feel everything.
The next day they may feel almost nothing.
Neither state is more correct than the other.
Numbness is not the absence of love.
It is often the presence of protection.
Over time, most parents find that emotions gradually become easier to access and carry.
References:
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
The Other Side of Sadness — George Bonanno (2009)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
WILL THIS PAIN EVER GET EASIER?
This is one of the questions grieving parents ask most often.
Many fear that if they feel this way today, they will feel this way forever.
The good news is that grief experts consistently find that most people learn to carry grief differently over time.
The pain itself does not necessarily disappear.
The relationship does not disappear.
The love does not disappear.
What changes is your ability to carry them.
In the early days of grief, the loss often feels present every moment of every day.
Many parents struggle to think clearly, sleep normally, make decisions, or imagine a future.
Over time, most discover that grief becomes less consuming.
Not because their child matters less.
But because the mind and body gradually adapt to living with a reality they never wanted.
George Bonanno's research found that human beings are often more resilient than they realize.
Not because they forget.
Not because they stop loving.
But because people have an extraordinary ability to adapt while remaining connected to what matters most.
Many parents eventually discover something surprising.
The grief becomes easier to carry without becoming less meaningful.
The memories become easier to visit without becoming less important.
The love remains.
The pain changes.
That is not moving away from your child.
It is learning how to carry your child with you.
References:
The Other Side of Sadness — George Bonanno (2009)
Resilient Grieving — Lucy Hone (2017)
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Many fear that if they feel this way today, they will feel this way forever.
The good news is that grief experts consistently find that most people learn to carry grief differently over time.
The pain itself does not necessarily disappear.
The relationship does not disappear.
The love does not disappear.
What changes is your ability to carry them.
In the early days of grief, the loss often feels present every moment of every day.
Many parents struggle to think clearly, sleep normally, make decisions, or imagine a future.
Over time, most discover that grief becomes less consuming.
Not because their child matters less.
But because the mind and body gradually adapt to living with a reality they never wanted.
George Bonanno's research found that human beings are often more resilient than they realize.
Not because they forget.
Not because they stop loving.
But because people have an extraordinary ability to adapt while remaining connected to what matters most.
Many parents eventually discover something surprising.
The grief becomes easier to carry without becoming less meaningful.
The memories become easier to visit without becoming less important.
The love remains.
The pain changes.
That is not moving away from your child.
It is learning how to carry your child with you.
References:
The Other Side of Sadness — George Bonanno (2009)
Resilient Grieving — Lucy Hone (2017)
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
WHY DO I FEEL SO ALONE?
Many grieving parents describe loneliness as one of the hardest parts of child loss.
Even when surrounded by people who care, they often feel isolated.
Part of this comes from the reality that very few people truly understand what it means to lose a child.
Friends may care deeply.
Family members may try their best.
Yet they have not lived your relationship with your child.
They have not experienced your grief.
This can create a painful sense of separation.
Many parents also discover that grief changes over time while support from others often fades.
People return to their normal routines.
Life moves forward.
Meanwhile, you continue carrying your child every day.
This difference can make parents feel forgotten, misunderstood, or invisible.
Joanne Cacciatore writes that one of the healing aspects of grief support is simply being understood.
Not fixed.
Not corrected.
Not rushed.
Understood.
The loneliness many parents feel is not evidence that they are alone.
It is evidence that their loss is significant.
Finding people who understand grief can help remind you that while your experience is uniquely yours, you are not the only person walking this path.
References:
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child — Gary Roe (2017)
A Broken Heart Still Beats — Anne McCracken & Mary Semel (1998)
Even when surrounded by people who care, they often feel isolated.
Part of this comes from the reality that very few people truly understand what it means to lose a child.
Friends may care deeply.
Family members may try their best.
Yet they have not lived your relationship with your child.
They have not experienced your grief.
This can create a painful sense of separation.
Many parents also discover that grief changes over time while support from others often fades.
People return to their normal routines.
Life moves forward.
Meanwhile, you continue carrying your child every day.
This difference can make parents feel forgotten, misunderstood, or invisible.
Joanne Cacciatore writes that one of the healing aspects of grief support is simply being understood.
Not fixed.
Not corrected.
Not rushed.
Understood.
The loneliness many parents feel is not evidence that they are alone.
It is evidence that their loss is significant.
Finding people who understand grief can help remind you that while your experience is uniquely yours, you are not the only person walking this path.
References:
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child — Gary Roe (2017)
A Broken Heart Still Beats — Anne McCracken & Mary Semel (1998)
WHAT DO I DO WITH MY GRIEF?
Many people begin grieving with one goal:
To make the grief go away.
Most eventually discover that grief does not work that way.
Grief is not something to defeat.
It is not something to outrun.
It is not something to fix.
Grief is the natural response to loving someone whose physical presence is gone.
David Kessler often teaches that grief is not a problem to solve but an experience to move through.
The goal is not to stop loving your child.
The goal is not to stop missing your child.
The goal is to learn how to carry both love and loss together.
Many parents find healing through remembrance.
Others through community.
Others through writing, creativity, service, counseling, faith, advocacy, or simply allowing themselves to feel what they feel.
There is no single path.
What matters is finding healthy ways to express the love that still exists.
Because grief and love are closely connected.
The grief exists because the love exists.
And while grief may change over time, the love does not have to.
References:
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
To make the grief go away.
Most eventually discover that grief does not work that way.
Grief is not something to defeat.
It is not something to outrun.
It is not something to fix.
Grief is the natural response to loving someone whose physical presence is gone.
David Kessler often teaches that grief is not a problem to solve but an experience to move through.
The goal is not to stop loving your child.
The goal is not to stop missing your child.
The goal is to learn how to carry both love and loss together.
Many parents find healing through remembrance.
Others through community.
Others through writing, creativity, service, counseling, faith, advocacy, or simply allowing themselves to feel what they feel.
There is no single path.
What matters is finding healthy ways to express the love that still exists.
Because grief and love are closely connected.
The grief exists because the love exists.
And while grief may change over time, the love does not have to.
References:
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
WHY IS MY SPOUSE GRIEVING DIFFERENTLY THAN I AM?
One of the most surprising parts of grief is discovering that two people can love the same child and grieve very differently.
Many couples expect that because they experienced the same loss, they will experience the same grief.
Often, they do not.
One person may want to talk.
The other may become quiet.
One may cry openly.
The other may focus on work, projects, or responsibilities.
One may need company.
The other may need space.
This difference can be frightening.
Some parents begin wondering whether their spouse loved their child as much as they did.
Others worry that they are drifting apart.
Grief experts consistently observe that people process loss differently.
Differences in personality, coping styles, life experiences, responsibilities, and emotional expression all influence how grief is experienced.
Different does not mean less.
Different does not mean wrong.
Different does not mean they cared less.
Many couples find healing when they stop comparing grief and start becoming curious about each other's experience.
Your spouse's grief may not look like yours.
But that does not mean it is any less real.
References:
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child — Gary Roe (2017)
Many couples expect that because they experienced the same loss, they will experience the same grief.
Often, they do not.
One person may want to talk.
The other may become quiet.
One may cry openly.
The other may focus on work, projects, or responsibilities.
One may need company.
The other may need space.
This difference can be frightening.
Some parents begin wondering whether their spouse loved their child as much as they did.
Others worry that they are drifting apart.
Grief experts consistently observe that people process loss differently.
Differences in personality, coping styles, life experiences, responsibilities, and emotional expression all influence how grief is experienced.
Different does not mean less.
Different does not mean wrong.
Different does not mean they cared less.
Many couples find healing when they stop comparing grief and start becoming curious about each other's experience.
Your spouse's grief may not look like yours.
But that does not mean it is any less real.
References:
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child — Gary Roe (2017)
WHY DO OTHER PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND?
Most people want to help.
The problem is that most people do not know how.
Child loss is something many people have never experienced.
They may care deeply about you and still struggle to understand what you are carrying.
As a result, they may say things that feel hurtful.
They may avoid mentioning your child.
They may change the subject.
They may offer advice when what you need is understanding.
Many grieving parents find this incredibly frustrating.
You are carrying something life-changing.
Meanwhile, others may seem uncomfortable discussing it for even a few minutes.
This disconnect often happens because people are trying to escape pain while grieving parents are learning how to live with it.
The reality is that understanding usually comes from experience.
People who have not walked this road often struggle to appreciate its depth.
Their inability to understand does not diminish the significance of your grief.
It simply reminds us that some experiences can only be fully understood by those who have lived them.
References:
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
A Broken Heart Still Beats — Anne McCracken & Mary Semel (1998)
Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child — Gary Roe (2017)
The problem is that most people do not know how.
Child loss is something many people have never experienced.
They may care deeply about you and still struggle to understand what you are carrying.
As a result, they may say things that feel hurtful.
They may avoid mentioning your child.
They may change the subject.
They may offer advice when what you need is understanding.
Many grieving parents find this incredibly frustrating.
You are carrying something life-changing.
Meanwhile, others may seem uncomfortable discussing it for even a few minutes.
This disconnect often happens because people are trying to escape pain while grieving parents are learning how to live with it.
The reality is that understanding usually comes from experience.
People who have not walked this road often struggle to appreciate its depth.
Their inability to understand does not diminish the significance of your grief.
It simply reminds us that some experiences can only be fully understood by those who have lived them.
References:
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
A Broken Heart Still Beats — Anne McCracken & Mary Semel (1998)
Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child — Gary Roe (2017)
WHY DO PEOPLE STOP TALKING ABOUT MY CHILD?
This is one of the most painful experiences many grieving parents face.
At first, people often ask questions, offer support, and acknowledge the loss.
Over time, those conversations become less frequent.
Eventually, some parents feel as though everyone else has moved on while they continue carrying their child every day.
Most often, this does not happen because people have forgotten.
It happens because they are uncomfortable.
Many people worry that mentioning your child will make you sad.
Others assume you no longer want to talk about them.
Some simply do not know what to say.
The painful irony is that many grieving parents desperately want to hear their child's name.
They want to know others remember.
They want reassurance that their child's life still matters.
One of the recurring themes in bereavement literature is that remembrance is healing.
For many parents, hearing a memory, a story, or simply their child's name can be a gift.
Your desire to continue talking about your child is not unusual.
It is one of the ways love continues.
References:
A Broken Heart Still Beats — Anne McCracken & Mary Semel (1998)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief — Klass, Silverman & Nickman (1996)
Please Be Patient, I'm Grieving — Gary Roe (2022)
At first, people often ask questions, offer support, and acknowledge the loss.
Over time, those conversations become less frequent.
Eventually, some parents feel as though everyone else has moved on while they continue carrying their child every day.
Most often, this does not happen because people have forgotten.
It happens because they are uncomfortable.
Many people worry that mentioning your child will make you sad.
Others assume you no longer want to talk about them.
Some simply do not know what to say.
The painful irony is that many grieving parents desperately want to hear their child's name.
They want to know others remember.
They want reassurance that their child's life still matters.
One of the recurring themes in bereavement literature is that remembrance is healing.
For many parents, hearing a memory, a story, or simply their child's name can be a gift.
Your desire to continue talking about your child is not unusual.
It is one of the ways love continues.
References:
A Broken Heart Still Beats — Anne McCracken & Mary Semel (1998)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief — Klass, Silverman & Nickman (1996)
Please Be Patient, I'm Grieving — Gary Roe (2022)
HOW DO I MOVE FORWARD WITHOUT LEAVING MY CHILD BEHIND?
Many parents resist the idea of moving forward because it feels like leaving their child behind.
If moving forward means forgetting, most parents want no part of it.
The good news is that grief experts do not define healing that way.
Modern grief theories increasingly recognize that healthy grieving is not about ending the relationship.
It is about learning how to continue it in a different form.
You do not move forward by letting go of your child.
You move forward by carrying your child differently.
Their life remains part of your story.
Their influence remains part of who you are.
Their memory remains part of your family.
Many parents eventually discover that moving forward and remembering are not opposites.
Healing and love are not opposites.
Growth and remembrance are not opposites.
The goal is not to leave your child behind.
The goal is to bring your child with you into the life that continues.
References:
Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief — Klass, Silverman & Nickman (1996)
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Resilient Grieving — Lucy Hone (2017)
If moving forward means forgetting, most parents want no part of it.
The good news is that grief experts do not define healing that way.
Modern grief theories increasingly recognize that healthy grieving is not about ending the relationship.
It is about learning how to continue it in a different form.
You do not move forward by letting go of your child.
You move forward by carrying your child differently.
Their life remains part of your story.
Their influence remains part of who you are.
Their memory remains part of your family.
Many parents eventually discover that moving forward and remembering are not opposites.
Healing and love are not opposites.
Growth and remembrance are not opposites.
The goal is not to leave your child behind.
The goal is to bring your child with you into the life that continues.
References:
Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief — Klass, Silverman & Nickman (1996)
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Resilient Grieving — Lucy Hone (2017)
HOW DO I KEEP MY CHILD'S MEMORY ALIVE?
Many parents worry that as time passes, memories will fade.
They fear forgetting details.
A laugh.
A sound.
A habit.
A favorite thing.
A moment that once felt impossible to forget.
This fear is rooted in love.
When someone matters deeply, we naturally want to protect the parts of them that remain.
Grief experts often encourage parents to find meaningful ways to remember rather than trying to remember everything perfectly.
Some families celebrate birthdays.
Some create traditions.
Some write letters.
Some keep photographs nearby.
Some tell stories.
Some support causes that honor their child's life.
Others quietly remember in ways no one else ever sees.
There is no right method.
The goal is not to preserve every detail forever.
The goal is to continue making space for your child's life within your own.
Many parents discover that memory is not the only thing that remains.
Values remain.
Love remains.
Lessons remain.
Influence remains.
Your child continues to shape your life in ways both large and small.
Keeping their memory alive is not about staying stuck in grief.
It is about honoring a life that mattered.
References:
Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief — Klass, Silverman & Nickman (1996)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
A Broken Heart Still Beats — Anne McCracken & Mary Semel (1998)
They fear forgetting details.
A laugh.
A sound.
A habit.
A favorite thing.
A moment that once felt impossible to forget.
This fear is rooted in love.
When someone matters deeply, we naturally want to protect the parts of them that remain.
Grief experts often encourage parents to find meaningful ways to remember rather than trying to remember everything perfectly.
Some families celebrate birthdays.
Some create traditions.
Some write letters.
Some keep photographs nearby.
Some tell stories.
Some support causes that honor their child's life.
Others quietly remember in ways no one else ever sees.
There is no right method.
The goal is not to preserve every detail forever.
The goal is to continue making space for your child's life within your own.
Many parents discover that memory is not the only thing that remains.
Values remain.
Love remains.
Lessons remain.
Influence remains.
Your child continues to shape your life in ways both large and small.
Keeping their memory alive is not about staying stuck in grief.
It is about honoring a life that mattered.
References:
Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief — Klass, Silverman & Nickman (1996)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
A Broken Heart Still Beats — Anne McCracken & Mary Semel (1998)
IS IT OKAY TO BE HAPPY AGAIN?
Many parents struggle with happiness after loss.
The first genuine laugh can feel confusing.
A good day can feel disloyal.
Moments of joy can sometimes be followed by guilt.
Part of the struggle comes from the belief that happiness and grief cannot exist together.
Grief experts have found that they often do.
George Bonanno's research showed that many grieving people continue experiencing moments of positive emotion even during periods of profound loss.
This does not mean they loved less.
It does not mean they have moved on.
It means the human heart is capable of carrying more than one truth at a time.
You can miss your child and still smile.
You can grieve and still enjoy a moment.
You can carry heartbreak and gratitude together.
Many parents eventually discover that happiness is not something that takes them away from their child.
It is something their child would likely have wanted for them.
Feeling joy does not betray your love.
Love and joy can exist side by side.
References:
The Other Side of Sadness — George Bonanno (2009)
Resilient Grieving — Lucy Hone (2017)
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
The first genuine laugh can feel confusing.
A good day can feel disloyal.
Moments of joy can sometimes be followed by guilt.
Part of the struggle comes from the belief that happiness and grief cannot exist together.
Grief experts have found that they often do.
George Bonanno's research showed that many grieving people continue experiencing moments of positive emotion even during periods of profound loss.
This does not mean they loved less.
It does not mean they have moved on.
It means the human heart is capable of carrying more than one truth at a time.
You can miss your child and still smile.
You can grieve and still enjoy a moment.
You can carry heartbreak and gratitude together.
Many parents eventually discover that happiness is not something that takes them away from their child.
It is something their child would likely have wanted for them.
Feeling joy does not betray your love.
Love and joy can exist side by side.
References:
The Other Side of Sadness — George Bonanno (2009)
Resilient Grieving — Lucy Hone (2017)
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
WHAT DOES HEALING LOOK LIKE?
Many grieving parents fear that healing means forgetting.
Others fear that healing means no longer missing their child.
Most grief experts would disagree.
Healing is not forgetting.
Healing is not moving on.
Healing is not reaching a day when the loss no longer matters.
Healing is learning how to carry the reality of the loss without it carrying every part of you.
In the beginning, grief often feels larger than life itself.
Every thought leads back to the loss.
Every day feels shaped by the absence.
Over time, many parents find that grief becomes one part of their story rather than the entire story.
The child remains important.
The memories remain important.
The love remains important.
But life slowly begins making room for other things too.
Healing does not mean loving less.
Healing means suffering less while continuing to love.
For many parents, that distinction changes everything.
The goal is not to leave your child behind.
The goal is to continue living while carrying your child forward.
References:
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Resilient Grieving — Lucy Hone (2017)
Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief — Klass, Silverman & Nickman (1996)
Others fear that healing means no longer missing their child.
Most grief experts would disagree.
Healing is not forgetting.
Healing is not moving on.
Healing is not reaching a day when the loss no longer matters.
Healing is learning how to carry the reality of the loss without it carrying every part of you.
In the beginning, grief often feels larger than life itself.
Every thought leads back to the loss.
Every day feels shaped by the absence.
Over time, many parents find that grief becomes one part of their story rather than the entire story.
The child remains important.
The memories remain important.
The love remains important.
But life slowly begins making room for other things too.
Healing does not mean loving less.
Healing means suffering less while continuing to love.
For many parents, that distinction changes everything.
The goal is not to leave your child behind.
The goal is to continue living while carrying your child forward.
References:
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Resilient Grieving — Lucy Hone (2017)
Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief — Klass, Silverman & Nickman (1996)
WHY DO I FEEL SO DIFFERENT NOW?
Many parents describe feeling as though the person they were before their child's death no longer exists.
Things that once mattered may no longer seem important.
Things that never mattered before may suddenly feel significant.
You may think differently.
Feel differently.
Respond differently.
See the world differently.
This can be unsettling.
Many parents wonder whether grief has permanently changed them.
In many ways, it has.
Major loss changes how people understand life, relationships, priorities, and themselves.
Grief experts often describe this as adaptation rather than damage.
You are not becoming someone else.
You are learning how to live with an experience that has become part of your story.
David Kessler writes that grief changes us because love changes us.
The loss of someone deeply loved naturally reshapes the person who remains.
Many parents eventually discover that while they are not the same person they once were, they are still themselves.
Just carrying something they did not carry before.
References:
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Man's Search for Meaning — Viktor Frankl (1946)
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
Things that once mattered may no longer seem important.
Things that never mattered before may suddenly feel significant.
You may think differently.
Feel differently.
Respond differently.
See the world differently.
This can be unsettling.
Many parents wonder whether grief has permanently changed them.
In many ways, it has.
Major loss changes how people understand life, relationships, priorities, and themselves.
Grief experts often describe this as adaptation rather than damage.
You are not becoming someone else.
You are learning how to live with an experience that has become part of your story.
David Kessler writes that grief changes us because love changes us.
The loss of someone deeply loved naturally reshapes the person who remains.
Many parents eventually discover that while they are not the same person they once were, they are still themselves.
Just carrying something they did not carry before.
References:
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Man's Search for Meaning — Viktor Frankl (1946)
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
WHY DO I FEEL DISCONNECTED FROM OTHER PEOPLE?
Loss can create a sense of separation from the rest of the world.
Many grieving parents describe feeling as though everyone else is living in a different reality.
Life appears to continue normally around them while their own world has been permanently altered.
This disconnect can occur even with people who care deeply.
Friends may continue discussing everyday concerns.
Coworkers may talk about future plans.
Family members may seem to move forward more quickly than expected.
Meanwhile, you are carrying a loss that remains present every day.
Grief experts have found that this experience is extremely common.
Major loss often changes a person's perspective, making previous concerns feel smaller while making relationships and meaning feel more important.
This does not mean you no longer belong.
It does not mean you will always feel disconnected.
Many parents find that connection slowly returns, especially when they find people willing to meet them where they are rather than expecting them to return to who they were.
References:
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child — Gary Roe (2017)
The Other Side of Sadness — George Bonanno (2009)
Many grieving parents describe feeling as though everyone else is living in a different reality.
Life appears to continue normally around them while their own world has been permanently altered.
This disconnect can occur even with people who care deeply.
Friends may continue discussing everyday concerns.
Coworkers may talk about future plans.
Family members may seem to move forward more quickly than expected.
Meanwhile, you are carrying a loss that remains present every day.
Grief experts have found that this experience is extremely common.
Major loss often changes a person's perspective, making previous concerns feel smaller while making relationships and meaning feel more important.
This does not mean you no longer belong.
It does not mean you will always feel disconnected.
Many parents find that connection slowly returns, especially when they find people willing to meet them where they are rather than expecting them to return to who they were.
References:
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child — Gary Roe (2017)
The Other Side of Sadness — George Bonanno (2009)
WHY DO CERTAIN DATES HURT SO MUCH?
Many parents are surprised by how powerful certain dates can feel.
Birthdays.
Anniversaries.
Holidays.
Special milestones.
Even ordinary dates that carry personal meaning.
A date can arrive and suddenly emotions that seemed manageable become overwhelming again.
Grief experts sometimes refer to these as grief triggers or anniversary reactions.
The reason they occur is simple.
Meaning lives in memory.
Dates remind us of moments that mattered.
For grieving parents, those moments often involve someone they love deeply.
The pain is not caused by the calendar itself.
The pain comes from the love attached to what the date represents.
Many parents find comfort in preparing for important dates rather than pretending they do not matter.
Some create traditions.
Some gather with family.
Some visit meaningful places.
Some simply make space to remember.
There is no right way.
What matters is recognizing that difficult dates are not setbacks.
They are reminders of a relationship that continues to matter.
References:
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
A Broken Heart Still Beats — Anne McCracken & Mary Semel (1998)
Birthdays.
Anniversaries.
Holidays.
Special milestones.
Even ordinary dates that carry personal meaning.
A date can arrive and suddenly emotions that seemed manageable become overwhelming again.
Grief experts sometimes refer to these as grief triggers or anniversary reactions.
The reason they occur is simple.
Meaning lives in memory.
Dates remind us of moments that mattered.
For grieving parents, those moments often involve someone they love deeply.
The pain is not caused by the calendar itself.
The pain comes from the love attached to what the date represents.
Many parents find comfort in preparing for important dates rather than pretending they do not matter.
Some create traditions.
Some gather with family.
Some visit meaningful places.
Some simply make space to remember.
There is no right way.
What matters is recognizing that difficult dates are not setbacks.
They are reminders of a relationship that continues to matter.
References:
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
A Broken Heart Still Beats — Anne McCracken & Mary Semel (1998)
WHY DO I STILL MISS MY CHILD AFTER ALL THIS TIME?
Because love does not operate on a timeline.
Many parents are surprised by how long grief remains present.
They may assume that years later they should be "over it."
Grief experts strongly reject that expectation.
A parent does not stop being a parent because time passes.
The relationship continues.
The love continues.
The absence continues.
What often changes is not whether you miss your child.
It is how that missing feels.
In the beginning, grief may feel impossible to carry.
Years later, the grief may be quieter, but the love remains just as real.
Many bereaved parents describe reaching a point where they no longer want to stop missing their child.
Because missing them is one of the ways they continue loving them.
The goal of grief is not to reach a day when your child no longer comes to mind.
The goal is to learn how to carry both love and loss in a way that allows life to continue.
Missing your child years later is not a sign that healing failed.
For many parents, it is simply a sign that the relationship mattered.
References:
Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief — Klass, Silverman & Nickman (1996)
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Please Be Patient, I'm Grieving — Gary Roe (2022)
Many parents are surprised by how long grief remains present.
They may assume that years later they should be "over it."
Grief experts strongly reject that expectation.
A parent does not stop being a parent because time passes.
The relationship continues.
The love continues.
The absence continues.
What often changes is not whether you miss your child.
It is how that missing feels.
In the beginning, grief may feel impossible to carry.
Years later, the grief may be quieter, but the love remains just as real.
Many bereaved parents describe reaching a point where they no longer want to stop missing their child.
Because missing them is one of the ways they continue loving them.
The goal of grief is not to reach a day when your child no longer comes to mind.
The goal is to learn how to carry both love and loss in a way that allows life to continue.
Missing your child years later is not a sign that healing failed.
For many parents, it is simply a sign that the relationship mattered.
References:
Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief — Klass, Silverman & Nickman (1996)
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Please Be Patient, I'm Grieving — Gary Roe (2022)
WHY DO I FEEL STUCK?
Many grieving parents worry that they should be further along than they are.
They may compare themselves to others.
They may compare themselves to who they were a month ago, a year ago, or even yesterday.
When progress feels slow, it is easy to conclude that something is wrong.
Grief experts often see it differently.
Grief is not a finish line.
It is not a project to complete.
It is not something that moves steadily forward every day.
Some weeks may feel lighter.
Others may feel heavier.
Some seasons bring growth.
Others require rest.
Feeling stuck does not necessarily mean you are stuck.
Sometimes it means you are carrying something extraordinarily difficult.
Many parents discover that healing is happening long before they can see it.
The fact that you still hurt does not mean you are failing.
It means you are grieving.
References:
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Resilient Grieving — Lucy Hone (2017)
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
They may compare themselves to others.
They may compare themselves to who they were a month ago, a year ago, or even yesterday.
When progress feels slow, it is easy to conclude that something is wrong.
Grief experts often see it differently.
Grief is not a finish line.
It is not a project to complete.
It is not something that moves steadily forward every day.
Some weeks may feel lighter.
Others may feel heavier.
Some seasons bring growth.
Others require rest.
Feeling stuck does not necessarily mean you are stuck.
Sometimes it means you are carrying something extraordinarily difficult.
Many parents discover that healing is happening long before they can see it.
The fact that you still hurt does not mean you are failing.
It means you are grieving.
References:
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Resilient Grieving — Lucy Hone (2017)
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
WHAT DOES GRIEF DO TO THE BODY?
Many parents expect grief to affect their emotions.
They are often surprised by how much it affects their body.
Grief is not only emotional.
It is physical.
Researchers have found that significant loss can affect sleep, appetite, energy levels, concentration, heart rate, immune function, and stress hormones.
Many grieving parents experience exhaustion.
Difficulty sleeping.
Changes in weight.
Headaches.
Muscle tension.
Chest pain.
Digestive issues.
Restlessness.
Or a constant feeling of physical heaviness.
These reactions can feel frightening.
Some parents worry they are becoming sick.
Others worry they are falling apart.
In many cases, the body is responding to extraordinary stress.
Bessel van der Kolk's work on trauma helps explain why painful experiences are often carried physically as well as emotionally.
Your body is reacting to loss because your child mattered.
Grief is not just something you think.
It is something you experience with your entire being.
References:
The Body Keeps the Score — Bessel van der Kolk (2014)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
They are often surprised by how much it affects their body.
Grief is not only emotional.
It is physical.
Researchers have found that significant loss can affect sleep, appetite, energy levels, concentration, heart rate, immune function, and stress hormones.
Many grieving parents experience exhaustion.
Difficulty sleeping.
Changes in weight.
Headaches.
Muscle tension.
Chest pain.
Digestive issues.
Restlessness.
Or a constant feeling of physical heaviness.
These reactions can feel frightening.
Some parents worry they are becoming sick.
Others worry they are falling apart.
In many cases, the body is responding to extraordinary stress.
Bessel van der Kolk's work on trauma helps explain why painful experiences are often carried physically as well as emotionally.
Your body is reacting to loss because your child mattered.
Grief is not just something you think.
It is something you experience with your entire being.
References:
The Body Keeps the Score — Bessel van der Kolk (2014)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
WHAT DOES GRIEF DO TO THE MIND?
Many grieving parents are surprised by how difficult it becomes to think clearly.
You may forget conversations.
Misplace things.
Struggle to focus.
Lose track of time.
Read the same page repeatedly.
Or feel as though your mind is moving through fog.
This experience is so common that many people refer to it as grief brain.
Grief requires enormous mental energy.
Your mind is trying to process a reality it never wanted and never expected.
At the same time, it is attempting to manage everyday responsibilities, relationships, decisions, and emotions.
As a result, concentration often suffers.
Memory often suffers.
Decision-making often suffers.
This does not mean you are weak.
It does not mean you are becoming incapable.
For many grieving parents, it means their mind is carrying a tremendous load.
Most people gradually regain clarity as they adapt to the loss.
Until then, patience with yourself is important.
References:
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
The Body Keeps the Score — Bessel van der Kolk (2014)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
You may forget conversations.
Misplace things.
Struggle to focus.
Lose track of time.
Read the same page repeatedly.
Or feel as though your mind is moving through fog.
This experience is so common that many people refer to it as grief brain.
Grief requires enormous mental energy.
Your mind is trying to process a reality it never wanted and never expected.
At the same time, it is attempting to manage everyday responsibilities, relationships, decisions, and emotions.
As a result, concentration often suffers.
Memory often suffers.
Decision-making often suffers.
This does not mean you are weak.
It does not mean you are becoming incapable.
For many grieving parents, it means their mind is carrying a tremendous load.
Most people gradually regain clarity as they adapt to the loss.
Until then, patience with yourself is important.
References:
It's OK That You're Not OK — Megan Devine (2017)
The Body Keeps the Score — Bessel van der Kolk (2014)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
HOW LONG DOES GRIEF LAST?
This is one of the most common questions grieving parents ask.
The honest answer is that grief does not follow a timetable.
There is no date when grief is supposed to end.
There is no deadline for healing.
There is no point at which a parent stops loving or missing their child.
Older views of grief often suggested that people eventually move on from loss.
More recent grief research paints a different picture.
Many experts now recognize that grief changes over time rather than disappearing completely.
The intense pain most parents feel in the beginning often becomes easier to carry.
The grief becomes less consuming.
The waves become less overwhelming.
But the love remains.
And because the love remains, some degree of grief often remains as well.
This is not a sign that healing failed.
It is a reflection of the significance of the relationship.
Many parents find comfort in realizing that the goal is not to stop grieving.
The goal is to learn how to live, love, remember, and move forward while carrying the grief differently.
References:
Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief — Klass, Silverman & Nickman (1996)
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)
The honest answer is that grief does not follow a timetable.
There is no date when grief is supposed to end.
There is no deadline for healing.
There is no point at which a parent stops loving or missing their child.
Older views of grief often suggested that people eventually move on from loss.
More recent grief research paints a different picture.
Many experts now recognize that grief changes over time rather than disappearing completely.
The intense pain most parents feel in the beginning often becomes easier to carry.
The grief becomes less consuming.
The waves become less overwhelming.
But the love remains.
And because the love remains, some degree of grief often remains as well.
This is not a sign that healing failed.
It is a reflection of the significance of the relationship.
Many parents find comfort in realizing that the goal is not to stop grieving.
The goal is to learn how to live, love, remember, and move forward while carrying the grief differently.
References:
Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief — Klass, Silverman & Nickman (1996)
Finding Meaning — David Kessler (2019)
Bearing the Unbearable — Joanne Cacciatore (2017)
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy — J. William Worden (2018)